What's Happening?

Hey again. Its crazy how when I have nothing to do it is so easy to keep up with blogging every other day. Today was one heck of a day. Went to church at Prarie Chapel, then headed over to the Bartch's for some good Sunday fun. Andrea, Kenny and I all went for a 'leisurely walk' up a logging road on Majuba Hill and found this cool pond that had been completely frozen over! So we slid around for awhile (as seen in picture to the left). It was definately cold out! and I froze nearly to death!!! But you didn't hear that from me okay? I really wasnt that cold.

Aside from the fun 'walk'... I really had this emotional day - I cant explain it. I just felt really out of place every where I went. Its not because it wasnt my church, or my house that I hung out at. It was just weird. Nobody knew what to do all day, and I threw out an idea that nobody liked, but we ended up doing anyway, and I felt really bad about it. I just dont have much patience for indecisiveness in people, and I really need to start working on that. I think today my emotions acutally ranged from angry, to sad, to happy, to frustrated/annoyed... and so on.. Like I pretty much had em all right there! IN ONE DAY!

The ironic part of this all is that I am more frustrated with myself than anyone. I am so indecisive when it comes to my own life. I dont know what I want to do with my life, I have no career goals and I feel like I am wasting money that I dont have on education that I wont ever use. I dont have much direction to my life and I am going nuts! I dont even know where I want to work for a part time job... But I want to change that. Tomorrow I am going to start applying for jobs and looking into getting training as a flagger. Ya, Ive heard it from lots of people... "thats a horrible job!", but I think I would maybe enjoy it and I cant complain about the pay.

But in all seriousness, I feel like I have been caught up by this huge wave and im drowning, but I dont know which way is up. I am swimming, trying to get out, but the current is too strong and I think I am going down instead of up. Then there are these brief moments where I can see the light and I start swimming towards it, but I get distracted by the water surrounding me and i start sinking again. Those brief moments describe the time that I spend in prayer where I feel like I am acutally getting through; like God is listening and responding in my life. But there is so much sin around me that when I am praying, I get distracted, or there is a barrier that separates me from the oxygen that I need. I know what I need to do to get some air, but I can't do it on my own strength.

Ive decided that I have had enough of my foolish life - enough of my own unhappiness, enough of my lifestyle, enough of everything! I want to devote myself completely to God; follow the path that He has set out for me. I know that whatever I 'choose' to do with my life is going to be what God tells me He wants me to do. It just takes time. And Im tired of people asking me what I want to be, cuz I dont know yet! I dont want to be driven by money, or 'freedom' [will explain], or guys... it HAS TO BE GOD!

Back to the freedom thing. Part of the reason I feel so 'trapped' here is that I really desire to be out on my own. I want to have my own house that I can clean and take care of. I want to move out of this crummy city and finally be somewhere that is fresh and exciting! (well acutally old and dull is okay as long as it is out of here!). But I cant do anything until September, so for now I am a sitting duck. People say that patience is a virtue.. but I say that it is a fruit of the spirit - and I am praying for it. I would appreciate some prayer from some of you guys if you feel led to do so. You can e-mail me at doyoulovethee@hotmail.com. Thanks.